Blueberry Almond Bliss by the Sea
This morning I slept in a little. The ocean's soothing sound outside my window, rolling and hushing, rolling and hushing. Being alone in bed, without jumping up to the 5:30am alarm to rouse my daughter out her slumber and hurry her off to school, without my other children, without school lunches to pack or any reason to get up, I felt a push-pull of ache and relief. I missed everyone. But I could stay in bed and listen to the ocean. Push. I miss my lover's arms in the morning. Pull. Ache. I miss the laughter of my children. Push. I get a morning alone. Pull. How nice it is to wake up to the sound of the ocean and the sunlight. Deep breath.
I've just left a long trail of challenges behind me. I've overcome years of difficulty. I wake up truly grateful.
As I stay temporarily in this beautiful retreat by the sea, I'm counting all of my blessings. I see now that I chose to react to situations that were asking for love by running away. Some of those soul damaging events were not my fault and no one could have responded otherwise. I forgive myself. I've searched for home since I was thirteen years old. The trajectory of my life since has been of running away, from pain, heartache, abuse, anger, resentment. I ran from the damage that only can be healed by returning home within. I discovered that letting go really is love. Total surrender. Where am I going to go? Being without a place to be is a very uncomfortable place. Take a deep breath. Just sit with that for a moment. Surrender.
I was a runaway as a teenager. I left home after one of my mother's drunken verbal attacks, telling me that I was worthless.
I was only thirteen.
I had an older boyfriend that lived with his brother, so I ran to him. My mother hurt me so much, I nailed my door shut and escaped out the window. I didn't return, but instead of live with my mother's abuse, I lived a lost life of drugs, alcohol and truancy. I was forgotten as a daughter. My father divorced my mother and she turned to heavy drinking. She cut me with words. My grandparents divorced, my family fell apart. Then the boyfriend I relied upon physically abused me. I was beaten up by a man's hand. My braces cut into my bleeding lips, and I had nowhere to go. I was truly lost. And I forgive myself for that. I did not know how lost I was because I was high on all kinds of substances. I forgot how beautiful my soul was, how magical, how talented, how intelligent, how much I was worth. I forgot that I wrote poetry, stories, daydreamed. I forgot that I knew how to play Chopin nocturnes and Beethoven sonatas on the piano. I forgot that I was tall and had a pretty face, a kind heart, and a radiant smile. I forgot that I was considered highly intelligent and gifted. I forgot about who I wanted to be. Pianist, painter, poet. Dreamer, dancer, delicate girl. I ran and ran and ran. I left people behind, I kept going. I'd rather leave than be abandoned, hurt and beaten again.
So many years went by before my life came back into focus.
I have always been "there" for myself even when my family wasn't. But deep inside, there is a young girl of thirteen who needed to be told she was worth all the treasure in the world.
Through many love relationships and friendships, through pregnancies, childbirths, marriage, through divorces and drama, through rage, anger, resentment, heartache, through loneliness, hardship, financial struggles and burdens, through stress and overwhelm, depression, through those dark dark night of the soul moments, I have discovered that love is real.
The moment of authentic self-love came to me when I learned how to completely surrender to the path of my life.
I knew how to give love. I gave myself to others way before myself. But awakening is a process, and self-realization is an ongoing adventure.
After so many years of running away from the home I desperately wanted, the sense of belonging and place I craved, after a recent life event of moving (again) and leaving a painful situation that echoed my first reason for leaving home back as a teenager, I found that letting go, forgiveness and surrender brought me back into the place I searched for all this time.
The clarity that occurred was phenomenal.
I felt a sense of security I had never known before. Then my soul's deepest desire was answered. Just like that.
When I finally forgave myself for all of the running I had done, home found me. The saying "home is where the heart is" can be true for some, and yet. An actual place to live, a place to call "home" is really wonderful to have. Yes, I have found "home" within myself, and when I'm in my lover's arms, I call him "home" because that's where I feel safe and belonging. He smells like warmth, love and coffee as I nuzzle my face into his chest (he loves his coffee). I have found happiness with him. Real genuine love. And now, I found an actual home. You know, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a basketball net hanging over the garage for my teenage son to play ball, a patio to dine al fresco, a grassy backyard with a lovely orange tree. A big kitchen. That kind of home.
Now I have closed a long section of my life and begun a new chapter. I've wanted to create a loving home for my own children, and for the young girl inside me that deserves it.
I'm enjoying the happiness I deserve and the feeling that I am worth so much, I can't contain my absolute bliss.
The "attitude of gratitude" is an expansive state of mind. It invites love inside those dark places that need more light. The peaceful feeling that accompanies healing is a powerful one.
After I snuggled myself in bed overlooking the ocean, I got up and made my usual black tea with soy creamer. I stretched, sent a "good morning" text to my lover (who I miss like crazy) but the difference was amazing. I could miss him and miss my children without that feeling that something was incomplete. I felt comfort in knowing that someday soon, very soon, I'll be cuddling up with my man in my big comfy bed, and waking to his sweet face will just thrill me. He will be in my room in my new house, and we can share this kind of simple happiness. Maybe his two girls will stay over sometimes. We will have a house full -- four little adorable girls and my big teenage boy. The kids will be rambunctious as usual, and their laughter outside in the backyard will sound so delicious to my ears. I'll get out of bed and make tea for me and coffee for him, and my nine year old daughter will begin the chant of "pancakes, pancakes, pancakes." That will begin a happy Sunday morning.
This is true peace and serenity. Happiness is a home where I've found real peace and love.
Breakfast to begin this beautiful day was a Vitamix full of almond milk, coconut milk, blueberries, almond butter, coconut oil, chia seeds, a few leaves of kale, an apple, honey and chocolate hemp seed granola.
I'm listening to Chopin's Piano Concerto No. 2 in F minor, Op. 21 on my laptop as I write this. When I move into my new house, I'll start practicing piano again.
1 container of fresh blueberries
1/2 bag frozen blueberries
3 cups homemade almond milk (store bought is fine)
1 cup coconut milk (or fresh coconut water)
2 tablespoons almond butter
1 handful of chopped kale
1 tablespoon chia seeds
1 apple, chopped
1 spoonful of coconut oil
honey, to taste (optional)
garnish with chocolate hemp seed granola (optional)
Blend all ingredients (except garnish) in a high speed blender (I use my Vitamix).
Enjoy your beautiful day.